We've all heard it: you're deep in prayer and all of a sudden Livin' On A Prayer starts playing from the balcony. God? Not at all. It's that person who forgot to turn off their cell phone. Now that baby that was on the brink of a tantrum the past hour and fifteen minutes is now screaming his head off. All because some looney tune didn't take the extra precautionary measures to silence his/her cell phone before the service started.
This sort of disturbance can be a major buzz kill, but nothing... and I mean nothing compares to the worse case scenario of poor church cellular device etiquette. We are only telling you this to save lives, and we'd rather not have to mention it again. It's just too hard.
Imagine this: your good friend, let's call him Bill, has decided to make his salvation public by getting baptized. Bill, you, and both your families are extremely excited at his decision and cannot wait to share in his special day. The Sunday morning (most likely on July 8,2007) starts like any other church day: Bill's family wakes up, has their Sunday morning breakfast (I would assume scrambled eggs, waffles, bacon, homemade grape jelly, freshly squeezed orange juice, chocolate milk, with pink carnations on the table in honor of Grandma Lilly's birthday the week before) and then heads up to their rooms to get ready for the Sunday School. Bill's sister (her name was probably Gracie) takes her usual way-too-long-shower (likely the cause of the constant hot water shortage in the house, causing Mom's hair to greatly resemble a certain 80's singer by the name of Jon Bon Jovi) and then scurries down the stairs where the rest of the family is waiting all but patiently. The discussion on the way to the church is all about where lunch will be after the service and strategizing based on which restaurants have the best time management skills. As the family pulls into the parking lot, Bill gets a sudden rush of nervous excitement as he knows this day will be one of the most special days of his life. Bill's family meets yours and you quickly walk in the building because you are all late (there was most likely a traffic jam outside Shipley's because we all know that donuts are really the present day manna). In the foyer, Bill's family runs into his ex-girlfriend's Uncle Richie. They exchange awkward small talk and then move along to their classes. Bill learns about Noah's drunken escapade and vows never to drink too much and take his clothes off in a cave (especially after a heavy rain storm). Bill then heads to the baptistry dressing room and again passes Uncle Richie in the hallway playing with his Blackberry. Uncle Richie throws out a "no diving" and gives Bill a thumbs up and a cheesy grin (someone always has to make that joke, might as well be Uncle Richie). Bill reaches the dressing room and begins changing into his robe (why do they have to be clearish, white vinyl jumpers that look flattering on no one). He hears the organ music beginning and his adrenaline begins pumping as he descends the stairs to the baptistry.
This is where it gets scary. You might need to have the kids leave the room. Reader discretion is advised.
Bill moves deeper into the uncomfortably luke warm, rose scented water toward the balding minister's outstretched hands and beckoning eyes. Bill looks out into the congregation, all eyes now focused in his direction (except for Uncle Richie who is still playing on his Blackberry in the balcony because he gets the best signal for downloading ringtones in those rafters). The pastor begins his diatribe about Bill's life and his path to the altar while Bill nervously tries to smile for his Mom's camera that is flashing away from the front left pew....
The next thing Bill knows he is waking up in a hospital room with a nurse asking if he needs anymore Demerol.
What happened to Bill you wonder? Uncle Richie's ringing cell phone caused interference, which lead to a freakish malfunction in the pastor's Britney Spears microphone which was especially dangerous because of the rose scented water they were both waist deep in (well Bill is a tall guy so he was actually about mid-thigh deep) .
Thankfully, Bill's injuries were only minor, but others have not been so lucky.
This isn't just an empty request on the back of your church bulletin; the "please turn off your cell phone" message is actually a plea on behalf of your most beloved friends and family to keep all those around safe from this sort of tragedy.
So please, for our sake and yours, silence your cell phones.
*This whole thing obviously doesn't apply to you if you are using an iPhone with the Holy Bible application. You are doing God's work. You're fine.
